"Make It Wit Chu" Queens of the Stone Age

It's been a long time since I let it bother me.  I saw a photo today.  A recent one of just her, and it kinda sent me back.  It was the briefest of moments, a few seconds at most.  But, it was just enough for the chains of my past to pull me down.  Because it's not really her that hurts the most anymore.  Rather, it's just the summation of everything I've lost in the last two and a half years.  Everything that I refuse to let myself go back to.  It's been nearly two and a half years since we broke up.  It's been over a year since I last saw her.  It's been 8 months since I last spoke to her.  It's been 8 months since last speaking to Ally.  It's been 6 months since Suzanne.

It's weird when you can pinpoint exactly when your childhood died.

Anna Nalick:  "Breaking the Girl"

I really shouldn't listen to such depressing music.  Kat said I was totally emo.  It's partially true.  I'm in the middle of crashing right now.  Lisa and Kat left late last night.  I slept for hours and hours and hours, with more dreams about Gen.  I spoke to Suzanne M. about it last week, after I had a pseudo-freak out.  She says that it's been a really long time since Gen and I broke up and she doesn't understand why I'm still like this.  She thinks I might not actually be trying to let it go.  I believe that there is a part of me that isn't letting it go.  Mostly, my emotional side.  My logical side has done everything it's supposed to do.  We don't talk.  I keep very few reminders of her around me.  But, really, almost everything reminds me of her.  So, short of active non-thinking, I'm pretty much fucked.  My sister says that if I still feel this way after so much time, then maybe I really shouldn't let it go.  But, she admits she doesn't really know what to do, either.  She says that I'm a lot like my father.  And, I realize that I am, except that I am willing to kill myself to do what is I think is right.

Overall, it's still on my mind.  Dreaming about it constantly doesn't help things either.  Having her comment on Kat's facebook doesn't help.  I want something that is mine and that isn't tainted by this.

Sean has been talking to Mike and Ally a lot, lately.  Or maybe, I've just been more aware of it.  Still, it's something always on my mind.  And, I added Suzanne to my buddy list again.  So, really, sometimes I just torture myself for the fun of it.  I'm so needy.  I've been thinking about going to therapy, lately, too.  Maybe just have someone to talk to.  Mostly, I don't have anyone to really talk to about all of this.  Most of my friends I no longer talk to, and the few left that I do have I don't fully trust.  If it weren't for this crippling weakness, I'd be fully self-sufficient.

Alright, I'm still in bed.  Most likely not moving anytime soon.

Beck:  "Gamma Ray"

I don't really know how long it's been since I've written.  I mean, I could just look at the date, but it's really not important, in any sort of way.

I've become increasingly annoyed with the people around here.  I think it's just pure selfishness that I see in everyone.  Basically, it's the Emrick group that has me so annoyed.  I've stumbled into this isolationist clique that they've formed on several occasions.  Since, I have no love for the third floor regime, I thought I might have a place among them.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend?  Apparently not.  I'm beginning to realize that I don't really belong in any of these groups.  I don't really belong anywhere, really.  And, I don't really know what's wrong with me.

I suppose I just don't really like people who think they are morally superior to everyone.  I heard this secondhand from Yuri, so I don't know what to make of it.  But, apparently, she was talking to Katrina about how I went to MIT with Kathleen for the weekend, and Katrina just seemed disgusted by it.  This actually fits in with her insinuation earlier to me that I was just going to MIT to sleep with some girl.  I've never really liked being judged by people, and I really don't tolerate it from anyone.  I've been abstinent from sex all of 2009, so far.  I went to Quebec and didn't have sex with Jess.  And, I went to MIT, picked up an 18 year old freshman named Katie, and didn't have sex with her, either.  This isn't to say that I haven't wanted to do these things, I'm just choosing not to.

Regardless, this doesn't seem to be a method for me to find a place to be comfortable.  Or to make friends.  I'm just losing everything around me, slowly.  But, I'm so angry all of the time, that I can't stop now.  I won't stop now.  I feel like a juggernaut, just continually moving forward.  I always feel like I'm in a constant state of conflict.  People think I like drama, and perhaps to some degree I do.  I am comfortable in conflict.  But, I hate drama because it is a distraction toward my goals.  It is mindless bullshit from which I stand nothing to gain.  I think this is clear from what's occurred in my life the last few months.

And so, I just feel like I'm in a fight against the world.  And if I am going to do this alone, then I'm going to do this alone.  My faith in people isn't very high anymore.  So, oddly enough, I've found that I get along very well with Katherine, who I knew in high school and is now a goth go-go dancer in Texas.  Who saw that coming???  And, she's coming to visit some time in the next week.  Should be interesting.  I just hope I can contain my anger at the world for a little longer.

Staind:  "Home"

I drove back to New Jersey, today.  I stopped by Jess' work for lunch.  She said she appreciated me coming by, since she doesn't really have many people stop by for lunch.  We went to Fuddruckers, where I haven't been in awhile.  It felt short, overall.  Doing this, being in New Jersey, just started to bring back so many memories that I don't want anymore.  I stopped by Seton Hall and had coffee with Tyler for a bit.  I feel a certain amount of responsibility for her, since I originally trained her in the Fadeev group.  She's a really good person, too.  So, we drank and talked and went to the comic store.

I have plans to have lunch with Shannon tomorrow.  And breakfast with Kelly on Sunday, before Ava's birthday party.  I'm not sure if I will be hanging out with Jess tomorrow.  I told her to give me a call and let me know if she wanted to, so we'll find out.  It's amazing to look through the names of these last two paragraphs and realize that over a year ago, I would not have recognized any of them.  I wonder if in another year, I will not recognize any of the names I write then.

Overall, though, coming to New Jersey is extremely painful to me.  I made the mistake of looking at Gen's profile picture tonight.  It's her and Irene in the car wearing funny hats.  She looks happy.  I felt sick.  I know I have a very hard time letting these things go.  And, I tell other people to just let go, but I'm not really able to do it, either.  But, the difference is I keep trudging forward.  The ghosts just keep up with me.

I listened to "You Know You're Right" again today.  And, oddly enough, it's exactly what I did with Gen.  I crawled away for good, never to bother her again.  But, I never failed to feel the pain.  I've been contemplating suicide again, lately.  At least, for the last few days, it's been on my mind.  I haven't been able to logically convince myself that it's a good idea, yet.  The barrier is my attachments and commitments.  I'm too worried of letting people down.  If I did, my roommates would have to pay my portion of the rent.  Tom would have to drop my project or find a replacement.  Overall, it's too much of a burden to place on other people.

Still, lately, I'm finding less and less to be happy about in my life.  It's becoming harder to laugh about it.  I'm becoming more and more tired.  Being home again just amplifies how terrible I feel.  I don't know what I want.  I'm not striving toward any particular goal.  I'm just stumbling along.  Anything good I do find is quickly corrupted, and I can't figure out if it's my fault or not.

I'm lonely, I know.  I know I'm giving up.  I'm terribly lonely, and I'm trying to cure my problems (more accurately, other people's problems with me) with more loneliness.  I know.  It doesn't make sense to me, either.  I've tried almost everything else, and I've run out of ideas and energy.  I'm crashing.  Hard.  I just want to stop feeling this.  I just want to stop being so disappointed by everyone, and I don't want to disappoint anyone else.

What's a boy to do?

Oasis:  I'm Outta Time

I really have no idea what I'm feeling right now.  It's not good, regardless.  I'm not really sad or angry or anything.  I'm indecisive, I suppose.

I can't really figure out what the correct course of action is anymore.  I'm tending to go with the "well, I tried it my way, and this is how it turned out, so I'll try it your way."  Though, I have a feeling that "your way" isn't really what you want either.  And, overall, it just feels like I'm selling out.  I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't have to be this way.  I can't escape what I've been saying all this time, even in the face of evidence that I may have been wrong in assuming that people can overcome these boundaries.

I think the major issue I'm having is that this all sounds so much like despair.  It doesn't have to be complicated, really.  I've been giving thought to owning up to my namesake.  Given that if I look back at the last couple of years, everything has been pretty disastrous.  Gen.  Liz.  Sean/Suzanne.  Ally.  I mean, there are probably plenty of more, but really those are the big ones.  "Until it eats the heart from your soul, keeps down the sound of your silent sigh."

I'm coming to realize that I'm much more scarred than I was originally owning up to.  I thought that I could just keep going, but I'm beginning to believe I might have been fooling myself.  Which is odd, since I'm generally pretty bad at convincing myself of things that aren't true.  I was never very good at pretending things.

I'm torn between my desire to be alone all the time, and to have a companion.  But, so far, I haven't found anyone who could stand beside me.  It makes me wonder if it really is just me, afterall.

Antony and the Johnsons:  "Fistful of Love"

I bought a new macbook today.  I thought it might be nice to write something about it, since I spent an assload of money (and yes, an 'assload' is definitely a unit of measurement).  First, I like it.  It's fun, and really doesn't feel all that different than a PC.  Then again, I haven't really done anything terribly exciting with it.  I mean, I'm blogging, aren't I?  Not only that, I'm blogging using the namesake of a blog that I deleted quite some time ago.

Things have been most troubling lately.  I have been trying to just live through it, but it's hard to ignore, especially since I forget nothing.  Mostly, I just feel like I really have no way out of this situation.  I've burned whatever trust Suzanne had left in me with one terrible, terrible mistake.  And, Sean screwed me completely by being a complete asshole.  Ultimately, though, I know it was and is my own fault.  Regardless, I'm not talking to either of them.  I don't expect this to be hard with Suzanne.  She was willing to cut me out of her life before, and I don't expect this to be an exception.  Sean, on the other hand, is going to be much more difficult.  He's tried to IM me a couple of times, but since I've deleted both of them from AIM, I don't have to read the messages he sends me.  I don't read them.  I just close the window out.  This, of course, comes on top of my communication blackout with Ally, last October.  At the rate I'm going, it's just going to be me and my MacBook soon.  Of course, I don't really blame anyone else but myself.  As the song goes, "we pay our debts sometime."

I spent the weekend with Jess.  I like the girl, but I have a strict "no competition" policy when I pursue any girls.  She has far to many men in her life right now, and one with whom she seems particularly taken.  On top of that, I am having definite intimacy issues since Liz gave me molluscum.  I'm 95% sure I no longer have it, but that doesn't mean I don't have the scars from it.  I'm not completely healed and I'm not really looking forward to having anyone see it anytime soon.  But, it was nice cuddling with her while we slept.  I'm sure I was missing all the cues that I should have been taking, but it's really not my place.  Overall, I just have no idea what the hell I'm really doing.  I like her.  I'm definitely attracted to her (which made being so close to her and controlling myself quite difficult), but I just don't know much beyond that.  I will be spending time with her this upcoming weekend.  I'm planning on having lunch with her at her work and spending a reclusive evening with her on Valentine's day.  I've spoken about this situation with many people.  The general consensus is that I'm going to be regulated to "friend".  I guess that's actually pretty good, since I don't seem to be able to hang on to any, lately.

Today is Liz's birthday.  I haven't spoken to her in over a week now.  It's actually quite painful for me to think about it.  I miss her, but I don't think she really dwells on me, like I do on her.  She's already made up her mind to just move on, and I don't blame her.  But, I still think about her often.  At least, the memory of her, though painful, isn't as bad as Gen.  I still think about Gen often, too.  I wonder if we will ever speak again.  I wonder if there's a chance for us to ever reconcile.  I wonder if in a year, we will meet up and realize that we were good together.  I don't know if I hope for these things, but I do wonder about them from time to time.

I spoke to Kate today.  She said my life was "hilarious, but tragic."  That's pretty much how I sum it up too.  If it weren't so ironic, it would just be brutal.  Luckily, I was blessed with the ability to see just how ridiculous everything is.

I've been looking at my life, lately, and thinking that I really have no sense of direction to it, at all.  I am now just floating through it.  Perhaps, this is because I am largely alone now, without my usual support group.  It's like a trapeze artists without a safety net.  Should make for an interesting story.