Anna Nalick:  "Breaking the Girl"

I really shouldn't listen to such depressing music.  Kat said I was totally emo.  It's partially true.  I'm in the middle of crashing right now.  Lisa and Kat left late last night.  I slept for hours and hours and hours, with more dreams about Gen.  I spoke to Suzanne M. about it last week, after I had a pseudo-freak out.  She says that it's been a really long time since Gen and I broke up and she doesn't understand why I'm still like this.  She thinks I might not actually be trying to let it go.  I believe that there is a part of me that isn't letting it go.  Mostly, my emotional side.  My logical side has done everything it's supposed to do.  We don't talk.  I keep very few reminders of her around me.  But, really, almost everything reminds me of her.  So, short of active non-thinking, I'm pretty much fucked.  My sister says that if I still feel this way after so much time, then maybe I really shouldn't let it go.  But, she admits she doesn't really know what to do, either.  She says that I'm a lot like my father.  And, I realize that I am, except that I am willing to kill myself to do what is I think is right.

Overall, it's still on my mind.  Dreaming about it constantly doesn't help things either.  Having her comment on Kat's facebook doesn't help.  I want something that is mine and that isn't tainted by this.

Sean has been talking to Mike and Ally a lot, lately.  Or maybe, I've just been more aware of it.  Still, it's something always on my mind.  And, I added Suzanne to my buddy list again.  So, really, sometimes I just torture myself for the fun of it.  I'm so needy.  I've been thinking about going to therapy, lately, too.  Maybe just have someone to talk to.  Mostly, I don't have anyone to really talk to about all of this.  Most of my friends I no longer talk to, and the few left that I do have I don't fully trust.  If it weren't for this crippling weakness, I'd be fully self-sufficient.

Alright, I'm still in bed.  Most likely not moving anytime soon.

Beck:  "Gamma Ray"

I don't really know how long it's been since I've written.  I mean, I could just look at the date, but it's really not important, in any sort of way.

I've become increasingly annoyed with the people around here.  I think it's just pure selfishness that I see in everyone.  Basically, it's the Emrick group that has me so annoyed.  I've stumbled into this isolationist clique that they've formed on several occasions.  Since, I have no love for the third floor regime, I thought I might have a place among them.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend?  Apparently not.  I'm beginning to realize that I don't really belong in any of these groups.  I don't really belong anywhere, really.  And, I don't really know what's wrong with me.

I suppose I just don't really like people who think they are morally superior to everyone.  I heard this secondhand from Yuri, so I don't know what to make of it.  But, apparently, she was talking to Katrina about how I went to MIT with Kathleen for the weekend, and Katrina just seemed disgusted by it.  This actually fits in with her insinuation earlier to me that I was just going to MIT to sleep with some girl.  I've never really liked being judged by people, and I really don't tolerate it from anyone.  I've been abstinent from sex all of 2009, so far.  I went to Quebec and didn't have sex with Jess.  And, I went to MIT, picked up an 18 year old freshman named Katie, and didn't have sex with her, either.  This isn't to say that I haven't wanted to do these things, I'm just choosing not to.

Regardless, this doesn't seem to be a method for me to find a place to be comfortable.  Or to make friends.  I'm just losing everything around me, slowly.  But, I'm so angry all of the time, that I can't stop now.  I won't stop now.  I feel like a juggernaut, just continually moving forward.  I always feel like I'm in a constant state of conflict.  People think I like drama, and perhaps to some degree I do.  I am comfortable in conflict.  But, I hate drama because it is a distraction toward my goals.  It is mindless bullshit from which I stand nothing to gain.  I think this is clear from what's occurred in my life the last few months.

And so, I just feel like I'm in a fight against the world.  And if I am going to do this alone, then I'm going to do this alone.  My faith in people isn't very high anymore.  So, oddly enough, I've found that I get along very well with Katherine, who I knew in high school and is now a goth go-go dancer in Texas.  Who saw that coming???  And, she's coming to visit some time in the next week.  Should be interesting.  I just hope I can contain my anger at the world for a little longer.