Staind:  "Home"

I drove back to New Jersey, today.  I stopped by Jess' work for lunch.  She said she appreciated me coming by, since she doesn't really have many people stop by for lunch.  We went to Fuddruckers, where I haven't been in awhile.  It felt short, overall.  Doing this, being in New Jersey, just started to bring back so many memories that I don't want anymore.  I stopped by Seton Hall and had coffee with Tyler for a bit.  I feel a certain amount of responsibility for her, since I originally trained her in the Fadeev group.  She's a really good person, too.  So, we drank and talked and went to the comic store.

I have plans to have lunch with Shannon tomorrow.  And breakfast with Kelly on Sunday, before Ava's birthday party.  I'm not sure if I will be hanging out with Jess tomorrow.  I told her to give me a call and let me know if she wanted to, so we'll find out.  It's amazing to look through the names of these last two paragraphs and realize that over a year ago, I would not have recognized any of them.  I wonder if in another year, I will not recognize any of the names I write then.

Overall, though, coming to New Jersey is extremely painful to me.  I made the mistake of looking at Gen's profile picture tonight.  It's her and Irene in the car wearing funny hats.  She looks happy.  I felt sick.  I know I have a very hard time letting these things go.  And, I tell other people to just let go, but I'm not really able to do it, either.  But, the difference is I keep trudging forward.  The ghosts just keep up with me.

I listened to "You Know You're Right" again today.  And, oddly enough, it's exactly what I did with Gen.  I crawled away for good, never to bother her again.  But, I never failed to feel the pain.  I've been contemplating suicide again, lately.  At least, for the last few days, it's been on my mind.  I haven't been able to logically convince myself that it's a good idea, yet.  The barrier is my attachments and commitments.  I'm too worried of letting people down.  If I did, my roommates would have to pay my portion of the rent.  Tom would have to drop my project or find a replacement.  Overall, it's too much of a burden to place on other people.

Still, lately, I'm finding less and less to be happy about in my life.  It's becoming harder to laugh about it.  I'm becoming more and more tired.  Being home again just amplifies how terrible I feel.  I don't know what I want.  I'm not striving toward any particular goal.  I'm just stumbling along.  Anything good I do find is quickly corrupted, and I can't figure out if it's my fault or not.

I'm lonely, I know.  I know I'm giving up.  I'm terribly lonely, and I'm trying to cure my problems (more accurately, other people's problems with me) with more loneliness.  I know.  It doesn't make sense to me, either.  I've tried almost everything else, and I've run out of ideas and energy.  I'm crashing.  Hard.  I just want to stop feeling this.  I just want to stop being so disappointed by everyone, and I don't want to disappoint anyone else.

What's a boy to do?

Oasis:  I'm Outta Time

I really have no idea what I'm feeling right now.  It's not good, regardless.  I'm not really sad or angry or anything.  I'm indecisive, I suppose.

I can't really figure out what the correct course of action is anymore.  I'm tending to go with the "well, I tried it my way, and this is how it turned out, so I'll try it your way."  Though, I have a feeling that "your way" isn't really what you want either.  And, overall, it just feels like I'm selling out.  I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't have to be this way.  I can't escape what I've been saying all this time, even in the face of evidence that I may have been wrong in assuming that people can overcome these boundaries.

I think the major issue I'm having is that this all sounds so much like despair.  It doesn't have to be complicated, really.  I've been giving thought to owning up to my namesake.  Given that if I look back at the last couple of years, everything has been pretty disastrous.  Gen.  Liz.  Sean/Suzanne.  Ally.  I mean, there are probably plenty of more, but really those are the big ones.  "Until it eats the heart from your soul, keeps down the sound of your silent sigh."

I'm coming to realize that I'm much more scarred than I was originally owning up to.  I thought that I could just keep going, but I'm beginning to believe I might have been fooling myself.  Which is odd, since I'm generally pretty bad at convincing myself of things that aren't true.  I was never very good at pretending things.

I'm torn between my desire to be alone all the time, and to have a companion.  But, so far, I haven't found anyone who could stand beside me.  It makes me wonder if it really is just me, afterall.

Antony and the Johnsons:  "Fistful of Love"

I bought a new macbook today.  I thought it might be nice to write something about it, since I spent an assload of money (and yes, an 'assload' is definitely a unit of measurement).  First, I like it.  It's fun, and really doesn't feel all that different than a PC.  Then again, I haven't really done anything terribly exciting with it.  I mean, I'm blogging, aren't I?  Not only that, I'm blogging using the namesake of a blog that I deleted quite some time ago.

Things have been most troubling lately.  I have been trying to just live through it, but it's hard to ignore, especially since I forget nothing.  Mostly, I just feel like I really have no way out of this situation.  I've burned whatever trust Suzanne had left in me with one terrible, terrible mistake.  And, Sean screwed me completely by being a complete asshole.  Ultimately, though, I know it was and is my own fault.  Regardless, I'm not talking to either of them.  I don't expect this to be hard with Suzanne.  She was willing to cut me out of her life before, and I don't expect this to be an exception.  Sean, on the other hand, is going to be much more difficult.  He's tried to IM me a couple of times, but since I've deleted both of them from AIM, I don't have to read the messages he sends me.  I don't read them.  I just close the window out.  This, of course, comes on top of my communication blackout with Ally, last October.  At the rate I'm going, it's just going to be me and my MacBook soon.  Of course, I don't really blame anyone else but myself.  As the song goes, "we pay our debts sometime."

I spent the weekend with Jess.  I like the girl, but I have a strict "no competition" policy when I pursue any girls.  She has far to many men in her life right now, and one with whom she seems particularly taken.  On top of that, I am having definite intimacy issues since Liz gave me molluscum.  I'm 95% sure I no longer have it, but that doesn't mean I don't have the scars from it.  I'm not completely healed and I'm not really looking forward to having anyone see it anytime soon.  But, it was nice cuddling with her while we slept.  I'm sure I was missing all the cues that I should have been taking, but it's really not my place.  Overall, I just have no idea what the hell I'm really doing.  I like her.  I'm definitely attracted to her (which made being so close to her and controlling myself quite difficult), but I just don't know much beyond that.  I will be spending time with her this upcoming weekend.  I'm planning on having lunch with her at her work and spending a reclusive evening with her on Valentine's day.  I've spoken about this situation with many people.  The general consensus is that I'm going to be regulated to "friend".  I guess that's actually pretty good, since I don't seem to be able to hang on to any, lately.

Today is Liz's birthday.  I haven't spoken to her in over a week now.  It's actually quite painful for me to think about it.  I miss her, but I don't think she really dwells on me, like I do on her.  She's already made up her mind to just move on, and I don't blame her.  But, I still think about her often.  At least, the memory of her, though painful, isn't as bad as Gen.  I still think about Gen often, too.  I wonder if we will ever speak again.  I wonder if there's a chance for us to ever reconcile.  I wonder if in a year, we will meet up and realize that we were good together.  I don't know if I hope for these things, but I do wonder about them from time to time.

I spoke to Kate today.  She said my life was "hilarious, but tragic."  That's pretty much how I sum it up too.  If it weren't so ironic, it would just be brutal.  Luckily, I was blessed with the ability to see just how ridiculous everything is.

I've been looking at my life, lately, and thinking that I really have no sense of direction to it, at all.  I am now just floating through it.  Perhaps, this is because I am largely alone now, without my usual support group.  It's like a trapeze artists without a safety net.  Should make for an interesting story.