All we know is all we are.

I just found out a good friend of mine is getting a divorce after... many years.  It was foreseeable, and yet, it's kinda hard to understand.

I shouldn't be taking it this hard.  I am.  I should be getting work done.  I'm not.

You've got suckers' luck
Have you given up?

Are we just gonna wait it out?
There's nothing to see here now.

Glass of bourbon.  Glass of Scotch.
I remember going to see Imogen Heap
In Boston. We were perfect then.
Incomplete circles watching the time
Getting high and listening to records
Waiting to get old

U-Haul trucks.  Shifting furniture.
Rock shows and sleepless nights
Life in dreaming color
Were the lives we had then
When we were younger selves
In need of old souls

A two hour drive.  New Hampshire cold.
Dreaming of you
And forgetting what we told
We were young and we were alive
Never believing
In anything other than us

Walking across creaking ice in December
Doors only open once
Climbing towers above it all
Life progressing quickly
Never speaking to keep it real
And silence maintains the peace

Failing efforts. Flailing comforts.
Never saying goodbye
To the life we kept holding
Never wrong, but not quite right
And never saying once
That I

Alice in Chains: "No Excuses"

I shouldn't have been there, but I wanted to be there. I had always been there for her in the past, so I didn't think it'd be wrong. Plus, I wanted it to go back to the way it was. I told myself I wouldn't bring it up, but of course, I couldn't let it go. So, we fought, and I decided I needed to leave. I got in my car, started the engine and looked back. She was standing there in the driveway. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes. And, I felt myself being torn apart again. Just like every other time. I got out of the car, and took her in my arms. And, I told her that no matter what, I would always love her. And, I always will. But, at that moment, I knew that it was all over.

"Make It Wit Chu" Queens of the Stone Age

It's been a long time since I let it bother me.  I saw a photo today.  A recent one of just her, and it kinda sent me back.  It was the briefest of moments, a few seconds at most.  But, it was just enough for the chains of my past to pull me down.  Because it's not really her that hurts the most anymore.  Rather, it's just the summation of everything I've lost in the last two and a half years.  Everything that I refuse to let myself go back to.  It's been nearly two and a half years since we broke up.  It's been over a year since I last saw her.  It's been 8 months since I last spoke to her.  It's been 8 months since last speaking to Ally.  It's been 6 months since Suzanne.

It's weird when you can pinpoint exactly when your childhood died.

Anna Nalick:  "Breaking the Girl"

I really shouldn't listen to such depressing music.  Kat said I was totally emo.  It's partially true.  I'm in the middle of crashing right now.  Lisa and Kat left late last night.  I slept for hours and hours and hours, with more dreams about Gen.  I spoke to Suzanne M. about it last week, after I had a pseudo-freak out.  She says that it's been a really long time since Gen and I broke up and she doesn't understand why I'm still like this.  She thinks I might not actually be trying to let it go.  I believe that there is a part of me that isn't letting it go.  Mostly, my emotional side.  My logical side has done everything it's supposed to do.  We don't talk.  I keep very few reminders of her around me.  But, really, almost everything reminds me of her.  So, short of active non-thinking, I'm pretty much fucked.  My sister says that if I still feel this way after so much time, then maybe I really shouldn't let it go.  But, she admits she doesn't really know what to do, either.  She says that I'm a lot like my father.  And, I realize that I am, except that I am willing to kill myself to do what is I think is right.

Overall, it's still on my mind.  Dreaming about it constantly doesn't help things either.  Having her comment on Kat's facebook doesn't help.  I want something that is mine and that isn't tainted by this.

Sean has been talking to Mike and Ally a lot, lately.  Or maybe, I've just been more aware of it.  Still, it's something always on my mind.  And, I added Suzanne to my buddy list again.  So, really, sometimes I just torture myself for the fun of it.  I'm so needy.  I've been thinking about going to therapy, lately, too.  Maybe just have someone to talk to.  Mostly, I don't have anyone to really talk to about all of this.  Most of my friends I no longer talk to, and the few left that I do have I don't fully trust.  If it weren't for this crippling weakness, I'd be fully self-sufficient.

Alright, I'm still in bed.  Most likely not moving anytime soon.

Beck:  "Gamma Ray"

I don't really know how long it's been since I've written.  I mean, I could just look at the date, but it's really not important, in any sort of way.

I've become increasingly annoyed with the people around here.  I think it's just pure selfishness that I see in everyone.  Basically, it's the Emrick group that has me so annoyed.  I've stumbled into this isolationist clique that they've formed on several occasions.  Since, I have no love for the third floor regime, I thought I might have a place among them.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend?  Apparently not.  I'm beginning to realize that I don't really belong in any of these groups.  I don't really belong anywhere, really.  And, I don't really know what's wrong with me.

I suppose I just don't really like people who think they are morally superior to everyone.  I heard this secondhand from Yuri, so I don't know what to make of it.  But, apparently, she was talking to Katrina about how I went to MIT with Kathleen for the weekend, and Katrina just seemed disgusted by it.  This actually fits in with her insinuation earlier to me that I was just going to MIT to sleep with some girl.  I've never really liked being judged by people, and I really don't tolerate it from anyone.  I've been abstinent from sex all of 2009, so far.  I went to Quebec and didn't have sex with Jess.  And, I went to MIT, picked up an 18 year old freshman named Katie, and didn't have sex with her, either.  This isn't to say that I haven't wanted to do these things, I'm just choosing not to.

Regardless, this doesn't seem to be a method for me to find a place to be comfortable.  Or to make friends.  I'm just losing everything around me, slowly.  But, I'm so angry all of the time, that I can't stop now.  I won't stop now.  I feel like a juggernaut, just continually moving forward.  I always feel like I'm in a constant state of conflict.  People think I like drama, and perhaps to some degree I do.  I am comfortable in conflict.  But, I hate drama because it is a distraction toward my goals.  It is mindless bullshit from which I stand nothing to gain.  I think this is clear from what's occurred in my life the last few months.

And so, I just feel like I'm in a fight against the world.  And if I am going to do this alone, then I'm going to do this alone.  My faith in people isn't very high anymore.  So, oddly enough, I've found that I get along very well with Katherine, who I knew in high school and is now a goth go-go dancer in Texas.  Who saw that coming???  And, she's coming to visit some time in the next week.  Should be interesting.  I just hope I can contain my anger at the world for a little longer.

Staind:  "Home"

I drove back to New Jersey, today.  I stopped by Jess' work for lunch.  She said she appreciated me coming by, since she doesn't really have many people stop by for lunch.  We went to Fuddruckers, where I haven't been in awhile.  It felt short, overall.  Doing this, being in New Jersey, just started to bring back so many memories that I don't want anymore.  I stopped by Seton Hall and had coffee with Tyler for a bit.  I feel a certain amount of responsibility for her, since I originally trained her in the Fadeev group.  She's a really good person, too.  So, we drank and talked and went to the comic store.

I have plans to have lunch with Shannon tomorrow.  And breakfast with Kelly on Sunday, before Ava's birthday party.  I'm not sure if I will be hanging out with Jess tomorrow.  I told her to give me a call and let me know if she wanted to, so we'll find out.  It's amazing to look through the names of these last two paragraphs and realize that over a year ago, I would not have recognized any of them.  I wonder if in another year, I will not recognize any of the names I write then.

Overall, though, coming to New Jersey is extremely painful to me.  I made the mistake of looking at Gen's profile picture tonight.  It's her and Irene in the car wearing funny hats.  She looks happy.  I felt sick.  I know I have a very hard time letting these things go.  And, I tell other people to just let go, but I'm not really able to do it, either.  But, the difference is I keep trudging forward.  The ghosts just keep up with me.

I listened to "You Know You're Right" again today.  And, oddly enough, it's exactly what I did with Gen.  I crawled away for good, never to bother her again.  But, I never failed to feel the pain.  I've been contemplating suicide again, lately.  At least, for the last few days, it's been on my mind.  I haven't been able to logically convince myself that it's a good idea, yet.  The barrier is my attachments and commitments.  I'm too worried of letting people down.  If I did, my roommates would have to pay my portion of the rent.  Tom would have to drop my project or find a replacement.  Overall, it's too much of a burden to place on other people.

Still, lately, I'm finding less and less to be happy about in my life.  It's becoming harder to laugh about it.  I'm becoming more and more tired.  Being home again just amplifies how terrible I feel.  I don't know what I want.  I'm not striving toward any particular goal.  I'm just stumbling along.  Anything good I do find is quickly corrupted, and I can't figure out if it's my fault or not.

I'm lonely, I know.  I know I'm giving up.  I'm terribly lonely, and I'm trying to cure my problems (more accurately, other people's problems with me) with more loneliness.  I know.  It doesn't make sense to me, either.  I've tried almost everything else, and I've run out of ideas and energy.  I'm crashing.  Hard.  I just want to stop feeling this.  I just want to stop being so disappointed by everyone, and I don't want to disappoint anyone else.

What's a boy to do?