I really shouldn't listen to such depressing music. Kat said I was totally emo. It's partially true. I'm in the middle of crashing right now. Lisa and Kat left late last night. I slept for hours and hours and hours, with more dreams about Gen. I spoke to Suzanne M. about it last week, after I had a pseudo-freak out. She says that it's been a really long time since Gen and I broke up and she doesn't understand why I'm still like this. She thinks I might not actually be trying to let it go. I believe that there is a part of me that isn't letting it go. Mostly, my emotional side. My logical side has done everything it's supposed to do. We don't talk. I keep very few reminders of her around me. But, really, almost everything reminds me of her. So, short of active non-thinking, I'm pretty much fucked. My sister says that if I still feel this way after so much time, then maybe I really shouldn't let it go. But, she admits she doesn't really know what to do, either. She says that I'm a lot like my father. And, I realize that I am, except that I am willing to kill myself to do what is I think is right.
Overall, it's still on my mind. Dreaming about it constantly doesn't help things either. Having her comment on Kat's facebook doesn't help. I want something that is mine and that isn't tainted by this.
Sean has been talking to Mike and Ally a lot, lately. Or maybe, I've just been more aware of it. Still, it's something always on my mind. And, I added Suzanne to my buddy list again. So, really, sometimes I just torture myself for the fun of it. I'm so needy. I've been thinking about going to therapy, lately, too. Maybe just have someone to talk to. Mostly, I don't have anyone to really talk to about all of this. Most of my friends I no longer talk to, and the few left that I do have I don't fully trust. If it weren't for this crippling weakness, I'd be fully self-sufficient.
Alright, I'm still in bed. Most likely not moving anytime soon.
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