Beck:  "Gamma Ray"

I don't really know how long it's been since I've written.  I mean, I could just look at the date, but it's really not important, in any sort of way.

I've become increasingly annoyed with the people around here.  I think it's just pure selfishness that I see in everyone.  Basically, it's the Emrick group that has me so annoyed.  I've stumbled into this isolationist clique that they've formed on several occasions.  Since, I have no love for the third floor regime, I thought I might have a place among them.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend?  Apparently not.  I'm beginning to realize that I don't really belong in any of these groups.  I don't really belong anywhere, really.  And, I don't really know what's wrong with me.

I suppose I just don't really like people who think they are morally superior to everyone.  I heard this secondhand from Yuri, so I don't know what to make of it.  But, apparently, she was talking to Katrina about how I went to MIT with Kathleen for the weekend, and Katrina just seemed disgusted by it.  This actually fits in with her insinuation earlier to me that I was just going to MIT to sleep with some girl.  I've never really liked being judged by people, and I really don't tolerate it from anyone.  I've been abstinent from sex all of 2009, so far.  I went to Quebec and didn't have sex with Jess.  And, I went to MIT, picked up an 18 year old freshman named Katie, and didn't have sex with her, either.  This isn't to say that I haven't wanted to do these things, I'm just choosing not to.

Regardless, this doesn't seem to be a method for me to find a place to be comfortable.  Or to make friends.  I'm just losing everything around me, slowly.  But, I'm so angry all of the time, that I can't stop now.  I won't stop now.  I feel like a juggernaut, just continually moving forward.  I always feel like I'm in a constant state of conflict.  People think I like drama, and perhaps to some degree I do.  I am comfortable in conflict.  But, I hate drama because it is a distraction toward my goals.  It is mindless bullshit from which I stand nothing to gain.  I think this is clear from what's occurred in my life the last few months.

And so, I just feel like I'm in a fight against the world.  And if I am going to do this alone, then I'm going to do this alone.  My faith in people isn't very high anymore.  So, oddly enough, I've found that I get along very well with Katherine, who I knew in high school and is now a goth go-go dancer in Texas.  Who saw that coming???  And, she's coming to visit some time in the next week.  Should be interesting.  I just hope I can contain my anger at the world for a little longer.